Most Nobel Peace Prize winners have only tried to reform one country, or stopped a single measly war (see: Teddy Roosevelt). But I think I’ve git something on all of them. You see, I’ve figured out how to ease race relations, calm international disputes, and lower today’s rising levels of weaponized idiocy. All it takes is people following 6 simple guidelines.
1. Don’t Feed the Trolls. You know those people who post idiotic, inflammatory comments, seemingly for the sole purpose of getting a rise out of people? Those are trolls. They work kind of like Evil Tinkerbell–the less attention you pay to them, the less power they have on this mortal plane. I know it’s hard–but you can’t push the “reply” button. I’ve seen whole forums destroyed by a single well-timed troll.
Typical internet commenter.
I see troll-feeding mostly on news sites and Fox Sports, which makes me think this is mostly an older person problem. We young un’s are just too cynical to try to get into philosophical debates with criminal anarchists.
2. DLDR. This is something I took from fanfiction forums (which is one of the most civil and courteous online communities I’ve seen–at least the genres I visit). In a nutshell, DLDR means Don’t Like Don’t Read, or more broadly, Leave Other People Alone, Dammit.
If you encounter something on the web that you know will offend you and you look at it anyway, then you have no right to get all pissy about it. Like evangelical Christians who comment on slash fanfic and rage about how sinful it is. They were the ones who decided to read it, knowing full well what it was. The fanfic writer did nothing to coerce them into reading, nor is he/she harming anyone else. So there is no reason to angrily comment. Just go read something else.
Just keep repeating “live and let live” to yourself, even when you hit that creepy part of DeviantArt.
3. You Get What You Ask For. This is a close corollary to DLDR.
If you go looking for disturbing/disgusting parts of the internet, then you do not get to whine to me about how disturbed/disgusted by it you are. Seriously. If you type “fetish” into Youtube for shits and giggles, then you deserve that video of the elderly gentleman humping his car.
I refuse to believe there is anyone naive enough to think that Googling “furry pictures” will bring images of Beanie Babies.
4. Stop-Read-Think. Remember how in kindergarten they taught you to Stop-Look-Listen before you crossed the street? Well before you hit “post” you should always go through the Stop-Read-Think checklist. Really, it’s quite simple.
Stop. Don’t push post. Check for any grammar/spelling errors that cause most Youtube commenters to sound like morons.
Read. Read your comment to yourself in an utterly neutral voice, just as the people on the other end of the internet will.
Think. Is that witty allusion to Hitler and black people really as drily satirical and tongue-in-cheek as you thought, or did you just get yourself an invitation to the next neo-Nazi coffee klatch?
5. Remember What the Internet Is. The internet, wonder-box that it is, is only as good as the people within it. Remember that 300-lb woman dressed as Rainbow Brite at the Wal-
Mart last week who was trying to shove grapes down her shirt? Well right now she’s blogging about why the March of Dimes is run by Iran. Probably with several dozen exclamation points.
The internet is like one of this blind speed-dating nights they have at local bars. Sure, 90% of the people there will be perfectly well-adjusted, but the other 10% will be so bats hit crazy that the rest will scare you anyways. And that 10% is responsible for 90% of all internet content. Seriously–it’s a scientific fact.
Everytime my parents or another pre-computer human rant about nyan cat or any of the other stupid stuff on the internet, I just have to chuckle. How quaint–they expect this to be useful!
6. If You Think It’s Stupid It Probably Is. This is why I have never watched Jersey Shore. Or the Kardashians. ‘Nuff said.
Today is day 21 0f my 30 day writing challenge. I did 315 words, and finished a short story, though I really dislike the ending. Oh well, that’s what editing’s for, right?