I watch a lot of movies, which means that I’ve been in a lot of small, intimate theaters with a lot of different people. And boy, some of these experiences have been interesting to say the least. It’s a good thing I’m a writer–otherwise this would be simply annoying rather than story fodder.
The Commentator–This guy can’t help but add his own little predictions to every scene. There’s a car going by and he says, “Ooh! I bet she’s going to get kidnapped now!” Or the opening scene ends and he jumps in his seat. “Want to know my theory about how it ends?”
Meanwhile, the people behind me are kicking my seat and whispering angrily about how stupid kids shouldn’t be in movies.
The Memorist–this one has a memory connected to every single event that could possibly happen in a movie. Someone breaks their arm and he starts recounting that time he fell out of a tree. There’s a car chase and he needs to start giggling at the absolutely hilarious recollection of his driver’s ed experience.
I don't know you
The Giggler–Every single thing is funny to this guy. We could be watching Black Swan and he’d start laughing because OMG its a vajayjay! Haha! Funny!
The Cynic–He’s seen it all, and is therefore unimpressed by every movie, no matter how groundbreaking, hilarious, or just decently good a movie is. If we were watching Inception he’d sigh and say it was reminiscent of some cult flick from the eighties. Or omg, John Hughes is such a poser.
The Crier–Interestingly (or maybe stereotypically) this is the only female on the list. The main character’s dog dies in the first act? Tears. The leading lady gets food poisoning on the night of her big date? Tears. The girl dies at the end? Look out for the tsunami.
Ah, friends. The things one does to not appear like an antisocial misanthrope in a movie theater.
Thank you. Thank you SO MUCH. This is the list I’ve always wanted but have been too lazy to make. Made me smile.
What about that guy who sits in the row behind me and bounces the toe of his shoe on the back of my chair? Hoe does he keep finding me? I have size 15 feet, and I never do that.
Augh. Or the children in PG-13 movies? I mean, I believe in live and let live, but they’re distracting and shouldn’t be there.
People bring babies to the movies sometimes. I love babies, but dark noisy places with loud noises are not good for them…
personally, I don’t think kids under 2 should be brought to movies. They don’t enjoy it and don’t behave.
Totally agree! There should be an age limit for every movie, even if its geared towards kids. No kid should be aloud in the theater until they are old enough to create memories and know what “SHUT UP!” means.
Or at least have some sort of “children showing” where the lights are slightly brighter and its done during the day, with movies that aren’t brand new.
How are are so many of us so unfortunate as to have experienced all of these people at the cinema, and yet still consider them friends?! Although having said that, I’m sure I’m guilty of committing one or two of these sins on occasion…
How about those people who cringe audibly and make a big deal of hiding behind their hands (repeatedly) whenever something frightening/ disgusting/ disturbing happens on screen? If you’re going to act like a child, those film age restrictions should apply.
…well I’m one of the face-hiding-cringing people *blush*. But I also don’t go to movies (like horror movies) that I know will make me do that, because I don’t like them anyway so why go? It’s all about being conscious of yourself.
you forgot to mention those people who’s always on the phone w/ a loud message/ring tone.. it’s really annoying!
Or the texters. Yeesh.