I watch a lot of movies, which means that I’ve been in a lot of small, intimate theaters with a lot of different people. And boy, some of these experiences have been interesting to say the least. It’s a good thing I’m a writer–otherwise this would be simply annoying rather than story fodder.
The Commentator–This guy can’t help but add his own little predictions to every scene. There’s a car going by and he says, “Ooh! I bet she’s going to get kidnapped now!” Or the opening scene ends and he jumps in his seat. “Want to know my theory about how it ends?”
Meanwhile, the people behind me are kicking my seat and whispering angrily about how stupid kids shouldn’t be in movies.
The Memorist–this one has a memory connected to every single event that could possibly happen in a movie. Someone breaks their arm and he starts recounting that time he fell out of a tree. There’s a car chase and he needs to start giggling at the absolutely hilarious recollection of his driver’s ed experience.
The Giggler–Every single thing is funny to this guy. We could be watching Black Swan and he’d start laughing because OMG its a vajayjay! Haha! Funny!
The Cynic–He’s seen it all, and is therefore unimpressed by every movie, no matter how groundbreaking, hilarious, or just decently good a movie is. If we were watching Inception he’d sigh and say it was reminiscent of some cult flick from the eighties. Or omg, John Hughes is such a poser.
The Crier–Interestingly (or maybe stereotypically) this is the only female on the list. The main character’s dog dies in the first act? Tears. The leading lady gets food poisoning on the night of her big date? Tears. The girl dies at the end? Look out for the tsunami.
Ah, friends. The things one does to not appear like an antisocial misanthrope in a movie theater.