First off, I would like to point out I am indeed female. It’s just that there are certain things girls seem to want to discuss that drive me up the &#@$-ing wall that guys seem to abstain from. They include:
1. OMG Bitches! I really don’t know what started this, but it drives me crazy when girls call each other bitches. Seriously, guys. It’s at least a gazillion-million times more annoying than it is cute. Especially to the people who have to listen to you.
These are usually the same girls who decide that everyone who annoys them, from ax murderers to the annoying cashier at the Gas-n’-Go are bitches too. Please let me know if you can figure this out, cause I sure can’t.
2. Bras. I cannot tell you the number of times I have been in a locker room/public bathroom/sleepover (though not for awhile on that last one) and some random woman has yanked up her shirt and said to her friend/me: “Look at this bra!” I don’t care if she’s decided to flash me because its new or because the underwire is about to stab an aorta. I also don’t want to debate the relative merits of bra types. Perhaps it’s an effect of the sort of family I grew up in (we were a little tightly laced) but even the lingerie section of the Target makes me a bit uncomfortable. I certainly don’t want to see some stranger’s pink-lace-clad boobs in a rest stop bathroom.
3. Their On-Again-Off-Again Not-Boyfriends. Look, ladies, I know relationships are difficult. I have seen some oddballs in my time. But there’s a certain type of girl who goes for the guy who we all know she will NEVER* have a successful relationship with. But week after week, make-up after breakup, she keeps deluging everyone around her with her romantic tales of woe. But no one dares tell her that it ain’t gonna work, because she is totally completely sure that he is perfect except for the tiny detail of his personality.
Alternatively, there’s the girl who has the guy friend (usually a taken guy friend) who she is head-over-heels for but won’t admit it. Instead, she moans to all of her other female friends about how great this guy is, why won’t he date her, his girlfriend/boyfriend is a whore, etc. They can’t get a real relationship because they’re too emotionally invested in this guy and can’t tell him that because they’re too polite/insecure. If you know anyone like this, please refer them to this video:
(credit goes to Hank Green of Vlogbrothers fame. Their videos are awesome and you can see the rest here)
4. How Much Messes Up Their Nails. You think this is one of those things you only see in Betty & Veronica comics. But oh, no. Look, I get it that there are Paris Hiltons in the world. But there are also these perfectly nice women who have sudden bottle-blond moments in which they screech “Oh MY god! Look how I just messed up my nails!” I don’t get it. Do you not own a nail file and a bottle of nail polish at home? Or have you no sense of scale?
5. How They’re Soooooo Fat. This isn’t annoying on its own; its the social implications that follower. If it’s a skinny girl looking in the mirror with the obligatory “Oh, I’m fat!” whine, then it’s just irritating because obviously she’s one of those sad low-self-worth girls or she’s saying that to catch a compliment.
But if it a girl who’s actually overweight, then its really awkward, because what on earth does one say? Do you lie and tell her she’s supercute and aw-dork-able in that skintight satin dress that shows every roll she’s carrying? Do you laugh like its a in-joke? Obviously she isn’t looking for anyone to reply, “Yeah, you should probably try and work on that.”
6. Sleeping Around = Empowered = Slutty. I am a big believer in women owning their sexuality. But the mere fact that someone has slept with 56 guys does not make her Carrie Bradshaw. A girl who decides to become a nun can be just as empowered as a women who sleeps with a guy a week, so long as they both make those choices because that is what they want. Not because they’re insecure, or scared, or pressured. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard, “Man, she’s full of herself, she slept with _____ at that party Friday.”
Argh. Just no.
7. Any Sort of Body Fluid Secretion Whatsoever. I had a perfectly sane, delightful friend of mine come up to me the other day and announce. “God, I sure got my period today.”
Um, thanks for that info?
I don’t think there is a woman on earth who hasn’t encountered in some public bathroom a pair of women screeching back and forth about their bodily functions. Call me uptight, but I have been met with this at least three times. Usually there’s the one (drunk? High?) woman outside the stalls who just giggles while the one inside shrieks about how she is TOTALLY* pissing like a racehorse.
Let’s all agree on something, dear people of the world. Whenever you produce something from any sort of orifice (be it blood, sweat, saliva or urine) just keep it to yourself. I don’t want to know what color your snot is when you’ve got a sinus infection. Even less do I want to hear about someone’s Godzilla-level cramps. Perhaps there’s some sort of subset of people who like to commiserate about these things, but I think most people can agree with me that unless you’re asking for a painkiller we would prefer you talk about such things on a need-to-know basis. Meaning doctors, nurses, and that weird aunt who runs a vitamin company.
*This is one of the few places where all caps are acceptable.