You know how petticoats were woman-hobbling devices? And then things like “factories” and “feminism” happened, and so girls got to wear trousers?
Well I have a theory. Whatever misogynists made up things like corsets and bustles are now sitting at the headquarters of clothing stores, drawing up plans for jeans. But they’re sneaky, see? Because jeans are comfortable and no woman in her right mind doesn’t own any. But buying them is damned near impossible.
Men’s jeans are easy. There’s a waist and an inseam measurement, and though the styles vary you usually have a pretty good idea about whether or not they’ll fit.
Women’s jeans, on the other hand, are possibly the most annoying, difficult, rage-inducing piece of clothing to buy. They may or may not come in sizes. If they do, the sizes could be even numbers (women) or odd (juniors, or maybe plus-size, depending on where you shop), not that it means much. I’m a size 4 at Ann Taylor Loft (but a 6 in shorts), a 6 at Old Navy, an 8(!) at JC Penny, and at Aeropostale…well, I haven’t bought jeans at Aeropostale since I ditched the training bra.
Then, if you somehow manage to figure out which size you are, and what KIND of size (petite, regular, women’s) there are the styles. Usually, I buy jeans from one particular store because I like how the fit, and when you find jeans that fit you never ever abandon that store. But I went in last week and they decided to switch up their jean line. So it kinda went down like this:
ME: Um, where did the petite boot cut jeans go?
SALESLADY: Oh, we don’t have “boot cut” anymore. What are you looking for? The modern slims* are very popular. So are the curvy** straight leg ones.
ME: I just want…jeans…without much flair? Are slims like skinny jeans or something?
SALESLADY: No, not at all. We have skinny jeans too. The modern slims are just a tighter fit.
ME (resisting the urge to ask what the hell “modern” means): Okay. Do you have something sort of like the boot cuts you used to carry?
How are these even comfortable to sit in?
SALESLADY: How about a petite curvy straight leg or a curvy tailored?
I gave up. I found ones that fit well at a different store, but unfortunately they had a rhinestone shooting star across the butt. Being that I’m two inches of hair away from a shaved head, you can see that I may not be the type of person to favor rhinestones on my behind. When I asked that saleslady if there were plain ones, she showed me a pair with a bejeweled cross instead.
Lovely. Its harder than ordering at Starbucks.***
**************
*I kid you not
**curvy is another problematic adjective. At some stores it means “Wow, you finally hit puberty!” and at other stores it means “fatass, get a forklift.”
***Seriously. Can we start a petition to regulate US women’s jean sizes? And style names? Please?
Life is like a pair of women’s jeans, you never know what you’re gonna get. I still haven’t found that “one” pair either, sigh.
And every time you do, they get changed.
Oddly, I have several things to say on this topic:
First, I have a friend who only buys jeans at Goodwill and is very happy.
Second, I’m sorry. I’ve worn the same brand, style, and size (with two waist extensions – from 32 to 34 to 36) for the past twenty years. I’m so happy to be a guy.
Third, – well, third was only humorous but insensitive so I decided to skip it.
Bill
I miss the days when I could wear the jeans where you could resize the waist
I guess the nice thing about Goodwill is that you’re not spending $40 for jeans so its not such a big deal for them to be perfect.
I enjoy your writing, I hope you will continue…this comment is meant in a rhetorical sense for the writer you are. Why are women obsessed with perfection?
Dude, if I’m spending $45 on a piece of cloth it had damn well better fit perfect
More seriously, I think that it takes a lot more effort for a woman to look good as opposed to a man–there’s makeup, then the fact that there are not standardized sizes for anything except underwear and shoes, and its very hard to have a compromise between comfort and appearance. I guess you could say that it goes back to the historical dynamic of men as workers/warriors and women as possessions/prizes, but what it comes down to is that if something takes enough work (or money) then it has to be right.