Well I have a theory. Whatever misogynists made up things like corsets and bustles are now sitting at the headquarters of clothing stores, drawing up plans for jeans. But they’re sneaky, see? Because jeans are comfortable and no woman in her right mind doesn’t own any. But buying them is damned near impossible.
Men’s jeans are easy. There’s a waist and an inseam measurement, and though the styles vary you usually have a pretty good idea about whether or not they’ll fit.
Women’s jeans, on the other hand, are possibly the most annoying, difficult, rage-inducing piece of clothing to buy. They may or may not come in sizes. If they do, the sizes could be even numbers (women) or odd (juniors, or maybe plus-size, depending on where you shop), not that it means much. I’m a size 4 at Ann Taylor Loft (but a 6 in shorts), a 6 at Old Navy, an 8(!) at JC Penny, and at Aeropostale…well, I haven’t bought jeans at Aeropostale since I ditched the training bra.
Then, if you somehow manage to figure out which size you are, and what KIND of size (petite, regular, women’s) there are the styles. Usually, I buy jeans from one particular store because I like how the fit, and when you find jeans that fit you never ever abandon that store. But I went in last week and they decided to switch up their jean line. So it kinda went down like this:
ME: Um, where did the petite boot cut jeans go?
SALESLADY: Oh, we don’t have “boot cut” anymore. What are you looking for? The modern slims* are very popular. So are the curvy** straight leg ones.
ME: I just want…jeans…without much flair? Are slims like skinny jeans or something?
SALESLADY: No, not at all. We have skinny jeans too. The modern slims are just a tighter fit.
ME (resisting the urge to ask what the hell “modern” means): Okay. Do you have something sort of like the boot cuts you used to carry?
SALESLADY: How about a petite curvy straight leg or a curvy tailored?
I gave up. I found ones that fit well at a different store, but unfortunately they had a rhinestone shooting star across the butt. Being that I’m two inches of hair away from a shaved head, you can see that I may not be the type of person to favor rhinestones on my behind. When I asked that saleslady if there were plain ones, she showed me a pair with a bejeweled cross instead.
Lovely. Its harder than ordering at Starbucks.***
*I kid you not
**curvy is another problematic adjective. At some stores it means “Wow, you finally hit puberty!” and at other stores it means “fatass, get a forklift.”
***Seriously. Can we start a petition to regulate US women’s jean sizes? And style names? Please?