After taking the nostalgia-pill of all those TV shows that really deserved longer runs, I started looking at what’s still left on TV. And then writing angry letters to various networks, of course.
There is one reason and one reason only why I watch Food Network, and that is for food porn. Not a bunch of former cheerleaders running around shrieking about how their chocolate cupcakes aren’t gooey enough. And I’m sorry, but they’re all just cupcakes. Its not like the old Food Network Challenges (which I miss) or Chopped, where actual interesting things are made. I could not give less of a damn about how the Coconut Surprise decorations don’t quite say “Tropical!” enough. Give me a picture of a $75 steak.
This man makes me want to climb a wall. He is slimy, annoyingly self-righteous, and reminds me too much of a particularly fervent priest I encountered as a child. I realize that shows like Maury and Jerry Springer are worse, but at least they realize that all they’re doing is pandering to humanity’s base need for voyeurism and don’t try to dress it up with any false respectability.
Did you know that this man posted bail for a teenage bully who beat up another girl and posted it on Youtube, so that she could appear on his show? What, dear doctor, did breaking into Brittney Spears’ hospital room not fill enough airtime?
Wizards of Waverly Place (or just the whole of Disney Channel)
At the risk of sounding like a stubborn geezer, I’m going to point out that when I was in elementary school Disney Channel was awesome. I’d come home after school and sit down with my juice box and pretzels for the Sonic the Hedgehog and Recess block (later to become Buzz Lightyear and Recess. On a related note, I had a huge crush on Buzz in first grade). Those shows were awesome. Smart, funny, a hint of weird, and somehow they managed to do it without knocking you over the head with a message.
Now, the entirety of children’s television seems to be the demon spawn of Spongebob Squarepants and Hannah Montana. Not that there is anything wrong with those shows, but it used to be that those shows were unique. Then some marketing executive said, “Lo! If one show does well, we should clone it for our whole line-up!”
Every single show on Disney–with the lovely exception of Phineas and Ferb–follows the same formula. Annoying tweenager gets in trouble, creates elaborate plot (cue dramatic facial expressions), and learns a lesson about Friendship/Being Yourself at the end of the 22 minutes. You can feel your brain leaking out your ears. It’s not that I especially detest Wizards of Waverly Place but its just such a prime example of the insipidness of kids’ TV.
I’m going to suggest a replacement for this show, entitled Where the Hell Do We Find These People? Maybe Dr. Phil can cohost after his freakfest gets cancelled. But I would seriously like to know how they get these people who truly think “Gee! I’m hot yet can’t get a date because my personality is insufferable. I know: TV will get me a suitable mate!”
2 Broke Girls
I tried to like this show. I really did. I watched the first four episodes, trying oh so hard to find it funny. I got to episode number 5, and had an epiphany. They’re all the same show. Same plot, just repackaged every week. Why does it feel freakishly familiar and like retreading the same ground, even though the show is only a year old. Because its the same thing, over and over. Like an evil, PMS-ing version of Groundhog Day.
I’ve never even seen this show. I’m not even quite sure what its about. I’ve just hated it with an undying passion ever since the commercial showed up in the middle of my Hulu show.
Seriously? Fox has gotten so fucking lazy that they’re reusing the same damn set for a singing show and a dating show? I guess its cool to save money on two knockoff-of-knockoffs of idiotic reality shows.
2012, people. Apocalypse time.