Notes from a night of reading fanfic:
-Yes, I get it, person whose summary included “(Character X)-WOMAN” You are writing a genswap fanfic, and this is obviously such a unique idea that you didn’t think that “woman” was quite obvious enough. All-caps was clearly necessary, along with three pointed notes in the summary.
Way too true.
-When is writing “LOL I didn’t want to write the beginning of this fic so it starts in the middle” ever a POSITIVE advertisement for one’s writing? Why would that EVER be information you would reveal in the one sentence you have to try to get people to read your piece? Why wouldn’t you just start in the middle and act like it’s some brilliant postmodernist tool?!
-Holy crap, I just used an interrabang and all-caps. I am going to the special hell, the one reserved for ax murderers and those who abuse the Queen’s English.
-Cardinal Rule #1: Badass male heroes do not cry. Especially not in the first three paragraphs. Especially not in a way that is described using flowery metaphors.
-Is there some sort of Original Character plague right now or is this just my fandom? Why does everyone feel the need to write up a new character (inevitably with some sort of oddly spelt name or two first names or some such shit) when this TV show already has a cast of probably 200 characters (including cameos). I assure you, many of those have been nothing more than a face flashing across the screen in a group shot, or a one-line delivery method. Don’t know anything about Minor Character X? Why don’t you read the goddamn source material?
-When you make Virtuous Character Y a rapist, Strong Character B a weak-willed bundle of nerves, and have Character X leave the series without warning, rhyme, or reason, you should just go write a novel. Or get counseling. But please stop wrecking these characters, and kindly get me a bottle of brain bleach so I can forget this awful definitely-not-K-rated morass you call a fanfic.
-I may be getting too old for fanfiction.
Yeah, Kristy was totally a lesbian, but so was Mary Anne, not Claudia.
-Yes, it is okay to kill off characters in fanfic. When you kill off half of them in the first page, it starts to lose its effect just a bit.
-I’m glad you like my fanfic, but posting a review two days after the last update saying, “Please update now or I will diiiiiie!” is not an effective way to get me to update. As you can clearly see, there has been a new chapter every Monday for the past five Mondays. Ergo, the next chapter will probably be written and updated on–wait for it–Monday. And no, posting the same review tomorrow will not speed the process either. I don’t get paid for this, you know.
-Loathe as I am to admit it, some characters just shouldn’t be slashed.
-Person of Interest fanfiction is actually really good. Huh. Maybe I should stop reading cartoon fandoms and move into shows with actual real people.
-Oh, wait, this one has Finch being a werewolf. And this one has him being a succubus. Yep, I knew this was too good to be true.
-And for the love of god, what is this fascination with characters’ hypothetical children? Is there some sort of contest to see who can come up with the most improbable scenario through which to bring children into a series? Cloning apparently wasn’t enough–now we’re onto magical children who must be Cared For or Will Destroy the World.
-Am I incapable of writing in anything but rhetorical questions now? Or lists?
-Must remember the motto: Live and let live, no matter how weird.
-Now I realize why I write fanfic: No one else is doing the stories I want to read. If only it weren’t so much work.