How to Get More Fanfiction Comments (Ask Auntie Geek)

Some poor soul (or perhaps multiple souls) has been googling “upset by lack of comments on my fanfiction” and evidently has ended up on my blog over twenty times. And I do talk about fanfic a lot, but I’ve never given any tips on it. So, for the reference of whoever keeps googling into the abyss–and as sort of an homage to agony aunts–I present to you How to Get More Comments–The Complete Guide.

First off, I’m going to presume you’re using Fanfiction.net. Because unless you’re writing erotica why the hell would you use anything but FF.net?

A good summary is essential to get comments. If your summary says “A pair of friends have an adventure…lol I’m not good at summaries !” then no one will read your story. A summary is your first impression–read the back of books and see how they give you both a plot overview and a bit of suspense to make you want to read the book. Also, your summary needs to have perfect grammar and spelling. Even if your actual story is written great, a poorly written summary will turn off 90% of readers.

Check your rating. In FF.net, an M-rated story won’t show up in the listing unless a user is specifically looking for M stories. Don’t rate your story as Mature unless it is absolutely necessary (because of explicit sex, violence with lots of gore, or a very, very high level of swearing). In the majority of cases, a T+ rating is just fine.

Watch the trends. Fanfiction tends to have zeitgeists. For months, no one will write a “Bella married Jacob instead!” story, and then suddenly there’s ten of them. Before you start your story, take a look at the listings and make sure you’re not doing the same thing as a dozen other people.

Don’t annoy your readers. I suppose this is kind of a general catch-all, but I’m running out of column space so I’ll have to be brief. Use correct grammar–if you don’t most people won’t read past the first paragraph. Write in the correct format (after you upload a doc look at it in the ‘Edit’ tab to make sure it appears correctly) and try to give decent-sized chapters, like 700 to 2500 words.

Finally, be a good author. Upload on a consistent basis–don’t leave people waiting a month or two or three for another chapter. If you get a bad review or a flame, don’t spaz about it in your next update, just ignore it.

And remember: you’re not going to get hundreds of hits with your first post. It takes awhile. Instead of panicking, keep at it.

Lastly (which I guess is “finally” x2) a note to writers working in languages not native to them–its probably worth it to run your chapters through a native-speaking beta reader. You can find one through the beta reader profiles. Even something that is technically correct can sound off to a native speaker, and its these tiny things that are hardest to catch.

Best Wishes, Dearies!

~Auntie Geek

TV Shows That Need to Die

After taking the nostalgia-pill of all those TV shows that really deserved longer runs, I started looking at what’s still left on TV. And then writing angry letters to various networks, of course.

Cupcake Wars

There is one reason and one reason only why I watch Food Network, and that is for food porn. Not a bunch of former cheerleaders running around shrieking about how their chocolate cupcakes aren’t gooey enough. And I’m sorry, but they’re all just cupcakes. Its not like the old Food Network Challenges (which I miss) or Chopped, where actual interesting things are made. I could not give less of a damn about how the Coconut Surprise decorations don’t quite say “Tropical!” enough. Give me a picture of a $75 steak.

Dr. Phil

This man makes me want to climb a wall. He is slimy, annoyingly self-righteous, and reminds me too much of a particularly fervent priest I encountered as a child. I realize that shows like Maury and Jerry Springer are worse, but at least they realize that all they’re doing is pandering to humanity’s base need for voyeurism and don’t try to dress it up with any false respectability.

Did you know that this man posted bail for a teenage bully who beat up another girl and posted it on Youtube, so that she could appear on his show? What, dear doctor, did breaking into Brittney Spears’ hospital room not fill enough airtime?

“Don’t make me come over there and eat your children!”

Wizards of Waverly Place (or just the whole of Disney Channel)

At the risk of sounding like a stubborn geezer, I’m going to point out that when I was in elementary school Disney Channel was awesome. I’d come home after school and sit down with my juice box and pretzels for the Sonic the Hedgehog and Recess block (later to become Buzz Lightyear and Recess. On a related note, I had a huge crush on Buzz in first grade). Those shows were awesome. Smart, funny, a hint of weird, and somehow they managed to do it without knocking you over the head with a message.

I miss you, Buzz. And your hot blue girlfriend.

Now, the entirety of children’s television seems to be the demon spawn of Spongebob Squarepants and Hannah Montana. Not that there is anything wrong with those shows, but it used to be that those shows were unique. Then some marketing executive said, “Lo! If one show does well, we should clone it for our whole line-up!”

Every single show on Disney–with the lovely exception of Phineas and Ferb–follows the same formula. Annoying tweenager gets in trouble, creates elaborate plot (cue dramatic facial expressions), and learns a lesson about Friendship/Being Yourself at the end of the 22 minutes. You can feel your brain leaking out your ears. It’s not that I especially detest Wizards of Waverly Place but its just such a prime example of the insipidness of kids’ TV.

The Bachelorette

I’m going to suggest a replacement for this show, entitled Where the Hell Do We Find These People? Maybe Dr. Phil can cohost after his freakfest gets cancelled. But I would seriously like to know how they get these people who truly think “Gee! I’m hot yet can’t get a date because my personality is insufferable. I know: TV will get me a suitable mate!”

2 Broke Girls

I tried to like this show. I really did. I watched the first four episodes, trying oh so hard to find it funny. I got to episode number 5, and had an epiphany. They’re all the same show. Same plot, just repackaged every week. Why does it feel freakishly familiar and like retreading the same ground, even though the show is only a year old. Because its the same thing, over and over. Like an evil, PMS-ing version of Groundhog Day.

The Choice

I’ve never even seen this show. I’m not even quite sure what its about. I’ve just hated it with an undying passion ever since the commercial showed up in the middle of my Hulu show.

Seriously? Fox has gotten so fucking lazy that they’re reusing the same damn set for a singing show and a dating show? I guess its cool to save money on two knockoff-of-knockoffs of idiotic reality shows.

 

2012, people. Apocalypse time.

5 TV Shows That Deserved a Second Season (Dammit)

And yes, I realize Firefly is not on this list. Of course I enjoyed it, but we’ve gotta let that one go, guys.

Campus

Campus is like the weirder, British brother of Community. It’s also a great illustrator of the one reason British television frustrates me: their seasons are like 6 episodes. If Campus had a been an American TV show, it probably would’ve lasted at least ten, seeing as how there weren’t any sci-fi special effects or anything.

The first episode is kind of crap, I’ll admit. But its wacky and bizarre and has people’s inner monologues talking back to them. Everything I love about the last season of Community, taken one step more meta. It was a show that didn’t have to be logical or realistic, it just did. Perhaps the strangest thing about it was how well it worked.

All the episodes are available for free on Hulu, if anybody’s interested.

Tower Prep

This was a show that was on Cartoon Network (although notably, it was not a cartoon). It was plotted by one of my favorite comic writers, Paul Dini, and was about children who mysteriously wake up in a boarding school full of other kids with weird abilities. Cylon-like guards roam the grounds, the stars don’t match up with Earth’s geography, messages are left by prior students, and the last episode concluded with the main characters being met by a robot-like woman who tells them they are ready for “the next phase.”

It was everything I love about sci-fi: crazy plot twists, intrigue, and an ever-deeper plunge down the proverbial rabbit hole. Sure, the writing was stiff and wonky at times, especially on those first few episodes but hey it was made for preteens and the story was awesome regardless.

Cartoon Network canceled all of their live-action shows after one season (methinks the production costs scared a network with “cartoon” in the name), which ended the series on a cliffhanger. There was talk of it coming back with outside financing, but CN said they still wouldn’t show it despite the overall good reviews. Since this is a recent show, I’d love to see it come back with enough support.

Freaks and Geeks

I’ll admit, I’ve only seen a handful of episodes of this show. But what I’ve seen was very good. My guess was that it was one of those shows that appealed to a very narrow window of people. It kind of struck me as a poor man’s Diablo Cody enterprise, and I’d love to see more of it.

Outnumbered

Now, I’ll admit this wasn’t a groundbreaking show. It was a slightly-above-average sitcom about parents with three kids. But it really highlights one of the things I love about British television: there’s always an element of strangeness. In the entirety of the series, there’s not a single joke about female anatomical parts. There’s no laugh track. There is, however, a point where the little girl hands over a drawing of cows killing people with machine guns, drawn because she doesn’t like hamburgers. In fact, throughout the entire series the little girl character will randomly appear psychic or crazy, just for one scene, and it’s awesome. Heck, the teacher dad is in hot water at his school for telling a fat student he “could use Ramadan all year long.” And it was played completely straight–which never would’ve happened if it had shown on NBC.

It wasn’t a show that’ll change your life, but it was awesome to put on while ironing or folding laundry.

American Inventor

Okay, so technically this one had a second season. But with a weird airing schedule and the fact that it was always the show to get pushed out of its timeslot for some special, I (and apparently lots of others) didn’t even know there was a second season.

The reason I liked this show–and I’m going to sound elitist here–was that it was for actual smart people. With six dozen dancing/singing shows on TV, it was so nice to have something interesting on. I really could care less about American Idol or Dancing With the Stars. I just don’t get how on earth the viewing public can support so many versions of the same damn thing.

Interestingly, there is a very similar show in the Arabic world, and its actually as popular over there as Idol is over here. And people wonder how other countries are getting ahead.

 

I guess what I really want is the Syfy channel to do a serious, crazy sci-fi mystery. *sigh* Like that’s going to happen.

2 Stupid Shows (Daily Dose)

I liked the first episode of 2 Broke Girls. I even mildly enjoyed the second episode. Then I got to the third and realized it was the same damn episode about two annoying, bitchy crybabies in an apartment, just slightly repackaged.

Jesus. I still like the Office and I couldn’t stand this show. How is it still on the air when Campus got canned by our cousins-cross-the-pond after six episodes? Something’s wrong here, America.

But I digress, because this was supposed to be a writing prompt. So write me a story with two annoying, bitchy crybabies that doesn’t suck.

If, somehow, you are a fan of 2 Broke Girls, use the dad from $#*! My Dad Says Instead.

Dear 80′s: You Have Failed Me

Interestingly, my father was the spitting image of Ferris in college. This has all sorts of weird psychological implications.

One of my absolute favorite movies is Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Usually I sit stony-faced through comedies, but I laugh at this one every single time even though I’ve probably seen it 25 times. They just don’t make movies like that anymore. How can you beat third-wall-breaking Matthew Broderick?

I have a great affinity for times which I did not live through. It probably would have been perfect for me to have been born in 1952, because then I would have been  16 in 1968 (a year I would give anything to live through, despite the upheaval and political assassinations and riots). And I would have been able to see all of John Hughes’s movies in theaters.

So I was doing some false-nostalgia googling and guess what? There was a Ferris Bueller television show! How awesome is that? I practically squealed with joy. How had I never heard of it before? Surely it had to be classic, a TV-masterpiece that I had only missed because I lived under a rock. Surely it would blow my…

…mind.

Wait. Who the heck is the kid in that advertisement? That ain’t no Matthew Broderick. And why does it say in one episode he…took a chainsaw…to a Matthew Broderick cutout?! What the hell, 80′s? Did you take one of the greatest teen movies of all time and try your damnedest to screw it up? Because I don’t how else you could have tried to make a TV show based on a movie and somehow produce something that had not a single one of the original actors. In fact, it wasn’t even set in Chicago, Ferris’s parents’ names were changed, and Ferris was called–and I quote–a  ”nerd.”

Did anyone involved with this series actually watch the movie?

Good lord--Jennifer Aniston?

So there I am on Wikipedia, getting angrier and angrier at faceless TV executives. And then I see that there was also a Superboy television show around the same time. I clicked, almost apprehensively.

A creepier Superboy was never conceived of.

The series featured John Newton as Superboy.It oh-so-wisely was produced after Superboy was erased as a character from DC Comics continuity.

Apparently it focused on Superboy’s college life, mainly his relationships and working on the school newspaper. Lex Luthor had hair.

Good god. I know the 80′s had plenty of bad music and even more bad fashion. But can you really screw up a decade’s worth of really awesome premises with crappy actors and wacky misinterpretations of what a series should be? Whatever happened to leaving well enough alone.

You have disappointed me, 80′s.

So I’ve Got a Thing for Watson…

How can you resist?

Anyone who knows me knows that I am utterly in love with the new Sherlock Holmes films–especially Jude Law as Watson. I adore him. And I thought that it was merely because Jude Law himself is rather good-looking, and throw in some Victorian bromance and it’s my kryptonite.

And then I finally got into the BBC re-imagined Sherlock series. Yesterday I watched the last episode of the second season.

Oh. My. God.

I repeated: Oh my god. I think I am in love. Sorry, Robert Downey Jr. movies, I still like

Adorable

you, but you’ve been replaced. And my favorite part of the series is again Watson. Martin Freeman as Watson is absolutely brilliant (and cute). I suppose we could attack this psychologically by theorizing that Watson acts as the human element for us to empathize with rather than the freakishly perfect ( and “high functioning sociopath”) Sherlock. Or maybe I just really have a thing for Watsons. Because Watson is awesome.

Another thing that I need to write a love letter to: BBC. One of the reasons I’d like to live in England sometime in the future is for the television, stupid as that sounds. There’s just so much good stuff!

So if you’re looking for a show to watch, and like to take semi-anonymous bloggers suggestions, then go watch Sherlock. There’s only six 90-minute episodes–hardly more than sitting down at the TV a few times. It’s currently smack at the top of my list.

Also, I really want one of these:

By melrosestormhaven on Deviantart.

Battlestar Galactica Ate My Life

Oh my god, why haven’t I watched this show before? I got the miniseries for free on iTunes and watched it all in one sitting (and on my teeny iPod screen too…now there’s dedication).

I love it. Politics, religion, spaceships and a good dose of paganistic cloning thrown in there for flavor. It’s like the craziest, best, smartest soap opera ever with six plotlines at a time and wormholes.

I think Star Trek has been usurped. Sorry, trekkies.

I’ve been through the whole first season in  1 1/2 days.

***************************

I also wrote 310 words, but that seems less important somehow.

Syfy Channel is Annoying (Day 11)

366 words. Goodie.

I’ve been watching a lot of Syfy channel lately (Why? Cause I’m a nerd. Really–you didn’t know?). And boy, is it freaking irritating.

That is not a word, dammit, nor a descriptor.

First off, it used to be called the SciFi channel, back when you kiddos were just slightly smaller kiddos. This was a perfectly acceptable, and descriptive name, which in this day and age is a rarity. Why did they change? Simple. They don’t show freakin’ science fiction anymore.

Wrestling? Yes. Stupid-ass fake ghost documentaries? Yes. Very poorly made “scifi” movies? Yes.

But their real scifi shows are shown sporadically at best and cancelled on a whim. No one knows when a new season of Warehouse 13  will star, because so far none of the seasons have started on the same date. Or Alphas which looked like it was headed for cancellation but got renewed for another 13 episodes (thankfully–I love it) though god knows when it will show up.

Then there’s the case of Stargate: Universe which was a perfectly good show with interesting characters, dilemmas and aliens. Canned. And we need more perfectly-good television. It won’t be winning any awards but its cool and who the hell watches Haunted Hotels XIII?

This is why England gets Sherlock and we have the Kardashians.

So now we have Syfy which to all of us versed in the English language looks like it should be pronounced “siffy” which sounds like an informercial cleaning product.

Also–that slogan. “Imagine Greater”? Please, sir, tell me what quantity you measure imagination in. Or perhaps you only meant to insult the creativity of your viewers by implying they weren’t imaginative at all.